Love feels good because it’s a physical letting down of your guard. So why does this lead to pain so often? Because your brain is touchy when your guard is down. The slightest hint of threat triggers cortisol, the chemical messenger of pain and potential pain. Blaming your partner for your cortisol can send things from bad to worse. You are better off understanding it instead.
Cortisol is easy to understand in animals. Imagine you’re a gazelle munching grass with your herd. You trust them to alert you if predators come near, and that frees you to relax and enjoy. The sense of being safe and protected is caused by a chemical called oxytocin. It would be nice to just enjoy oxytocin all the time, but the mammal brain isn't designed for that. Soon, the other gazelles wander a bit, leaving you dangerously exposed. Your brain goes on alert. A gazelle doesn’t waste energy blaming its buddies for the bad feeling. It simply raises its guard until the next opportunity to lower its guard.
Source:
While you're enjoying the nice oxytocin feeling, you want to feel that way forever. But all too soon, you are hit by the reality that your partner is a separate person with needs of their own. Your oxytocin drops, and your cortisol is triggered.
How do you react to this cortisol? Most people react in the way they learned when they were young, because that’s when the brain myelinates its pathways. The behaviors you observed when you were young activated your mirror neurons, preparing you to react that way yourself. You may accuse your loved one of throwing you to the wolves. They may accuse you back. Love hurts.
You can build new pathways to respond in new ways. I will present a series of tools for doing so in a series of posts called "When Love Brings Pain." To receive these posts automatically, subscribe to Your Neurochemical Self blog by clicking the RSS button. For a sneak peek at these tools, check out: The Power of Two Marriage, Deeper Dating and InLoveInformed.
No comments:
Post a Comment